Before/Now

Remicade treatment #4 has come and gone with similar affects of the third treatment only landing me an additional day in the hospital this go around. Yes, it is becoming a vicious cycle that even the doctors are trying to figure out. Being truthful, the positivity is diminishing. It is getting tough. Life has changed so much, and in years from now, this will mean very little. But for the time being the cumulative effect of these treatments are taking a toll. Often I think of what I would be doing, how I would be doing it, and how my life would be different had the UC not been here. In a flash my BEFORE and my NOW are worlds apart. I have learned so much in a short time, some things to display proudly, others that have taken me by storm, but all of which have continued to shape my journey. The moments that make me smile are the times I have been able to spend with friends. I used to rush from one thing to the next without taking the time to just “be”. I think this has been a drastic change. I still don’t get out much, being that I have to spend more time horizontal than vertical, but I have spent more dinners, shopping, movies and quality time with people who care and those are moments I cherish. I can’t say thank you enough to those of you that have shown me how wonderful this life can be and knowing that there is more beyond triathlon makes me feel better about this seem-to-be-never-ending-roller-coaster-ride my body is flailing along on. It reminds me that this is all part of learning, growing, and trying to be the best I can be in this lifetime.

Here are a few of my experiences in changes over the past few months (in no particular order):

BEFORE, finding time to eat was a chore. NOW, meal time is fun – spent with friends, enjoying time chatting, savoring the moments.

BEFORE, I would never take the stairs over the elevator option for additional exercise because I was too tired from training. NOW, I still choose not to take the stairs to save every bit of energy to spend on more meaningful moments.



BEFORE, I had scaly dry skin from the chlorine ridden mind boggling laps in the pool. NOW, I have even more scaly skin from medication and maybe even from the scratchy blankets in the hospital beds.



BEFORE, I took have thick, long braids for granted. NOW, my hair is minimal, but holds a great ponytail!


BEFORE, I woke up anxious to get on the bike and ride for miles. NOW, I am anxious to make sure I can make it through my small task list for the entire day.



BEFORE, I thought I knew..... NOW I know what truly defines a friend.


BEFORE, I would long for a rest/recovery day to catch up on life. NOW I am a little more caught up on life and have more rest days in my plan than I do “active” days.

BEFORE a long workout would start at 8am and be done no earlier than 2pm. NOW the exercise starts and ends in the same half hour.


BEFORE, my head ached from being caloric deprived from a stellar workout. NOW, my head aches from medications in hopes of being back to doing those stellar workouts.


BEFORE, I spent a lot of dolla' bills on triathlon “things”. NOW, I have a little “extra” in between pay checks.


BEFORE, I worked a lot, I did a lot, I loved a lot, I helped a lot, I gave a lot. NOW, I work less, I do less, I love a lot to those who appreciate, I help a lot to those who appreciate, and I give a lot to those who appreciate.


BEFORE, I never read. NOW, I have read more, studied more and probably could have earned myself a masters degree in the last three months. I love the knowledge I have gained!


BEFORE, my heart ached to race, a time when I felt free and my mind was quiet. NOW, my heart aches for all those feelings to return, an escape, a time to truly feel free.


BEFORE, I loved my husband and knew he would be my life partner and stand by me through it all. NOW, I love my husband even more and he has PROVEN that he will stand by me through it all.

BEFORE I lived for the next workout, the next day…… NOW I live for the moment.