Athlete

I wrote this post prior to my last remicade treatment...it has been sitting in the "edit" section. Do I share? Do I not? What to do? I am just as tired of depressing blog posts and hang on knowing that these will hopefully turn to amazingly exciting blog posts when a breakthrough occurs.

I have decided to share because I may have a glimpse of hope again since my last treatment to race again. And I have landed myself in the pool again. And in the grand scheme of things I have had a couple solid weeks of training, just a tad sporatic, and halted unexpectantly.

For starters I did not end up in the hospital this time, we went back to an old medicine I took awhile back, adding this in may be helping. I have gained 2 pounds and am hungry now....I think this is a good sign of moving in the right direction!

I have decided to share because it speaks from my heart.

I have decided to share because it may speak to someone who may benefit.

So here goes:

December 21.

Since I was young (age 4 to be exact) I was an athlete. An athlete to me is someone who sets goals, aims high and lives and breathes to achieve them. I was this person. I would dream big! Many would say I was naturally gifted. I disagree.

I was gifted with determination, support, and amazing coaches that allowed me to be my best. Many would think my goals were crazy, but without hesitation, would support me as I played day in and day out to reach my dreams.

From gymnastics, to swimming, to bodybuilding/fitness, to triathlon...I have had a ton of fun. Losing, winning, dreaming and believing.

I have been MIA for a reason. I was given hope that I would be able to perform in 2011. Although I have lost huge amounts of fitness, I have gained a bigger heart and still believed that I could pull from the passion to hit some of my 2011 goals. I continued to dream big. But the bottom line is the Remicade is not working as planned. I am sick again...and doing all I can to stay out of the hospital.


Dreaming big to me NOW has very little to do with being an athlete. I would give anything to live as I have since the age of 4, but it is not in my cards...not right now. For the first time in my life my fitness no longer matters, racing no longer matters, and being an athlete is no longer. Okay, it does matter...a ton actually. I am hoping and praying that I someday again, in this lifetime, I will be able, be gifted, and be honered to swim, bike and run....in that order.... on the same day. I miss the training and I miss the smile across the finish line, amongst many other things. I am sure my family misses it just as much.

Trust me, I am not throwing in the towel, that is now how I roll....I have just never had to "just be", not had to recite my goals, visualize a perfect race, nor attempt to jump a mountain as I am now. I never imagined I would be in this situation.

One thing I can admit is that I have always appreciated racing and appreciated my body for letting me race. I smiled acrossed every line! I have shed tears on the sidelines, I have learned from my mistakes and have always believed that everything happens for a reason. When I was victorious I would share the same smile as when I was defeated. Now that I am where I am, I appreciate that someone along the way taught me this (that would be Coach Hannula). Because I am blessed with zero regrets in my athletic history.

Coaching athletes day in and day out has made me realize how much being an athlete defines us...it is such an honor that many never tap into or never fully appreciate. Continue to remind yourself the gift you have and aim to be your best!