Thursday, January 13, 2011


I wrote this post prior to my last remicade has been sitting in the "edit" section. Do I share? Do I not? What to do? I am just as tired of depressing blog posts and hang on knowing that these will hopefully turn to amazingly exciting blog posts when a breakthrough occurs.

I have decided to share because I may have a glimpse of hope again since my last treatment to race again. And I have landed myself in the pool again. And in the grand scheme of things I have had a couple solid weeks of training, just a tad sporatic, and halted unexpectantly.

For starters I did not end up in the hospital this time, we went back to an old medicine I took awhile back, adding this in may be helping. I have gained 2 pounds and am hungry now....I think this is a good sign of moving in the right direction!

I have decided to share because it speaks from my heart.

I have decided to share because it may speak to someone who may benefit.

So here goes:

December 21.

Since I was young (age 4 to be exact) I was an athlete. An athlete to me is someone who sets goals, aims high and lives and breathes to achieve them. I was this person. I would dream big! Many would say I was naturally gifted. I disagree.

I was gifted with determination, support, and amazing coaches that allowed me to be my best. Many would think my goals were crazy, but without hesitation, would support me as I played day in and day out to reach my dreams.

From gymnastics, to swimming, to bodybuilding/fitness, to triathlon...I have had a ton of fun. Losing, winning, dreaming and believing.

I have been MIA for a reason. I was given hope that I would be able to perform in 2011. Although I have lost huge amounts of fitness, I have gained a bigger heart and still believed that I could pull from the passion to hit some of my 2011 goals. I continued to dream big. But the bottom line is the Remicade is not working as planned. I am sick again...and doing all I can to stay out of the hospital.

Dreaming big to me NOW has very little to do with being an athlete. I would give anything to live as I have since the age of 4, but it is not in my cards...not right now. For the first time in my life my fitness no longer matters, racing no longer matters, and being an athlete is no longer. Okay, it does matter...a ton actually. I am hoping and praying that I someday again, in this lifetime, I will be able, be gifted, and be honered to swim, bike and that order.... on the same day. I miss the training and I miss the smile across the finish line, amongst many other things. I am sure my family misses it just as much.

Trust me, I am not throwing in the towel, that is now how I roll....I have just never had to "just be", not had to recite my goals, visualize a perfect race, nor attempt to jump a mountain as I am now. I never imagined I would be in this situation.

One thing I can admit is that I have always appreciated racing and appreciated my body for letting me race. I smiled acrossed every line! I have shed tears on the sidelines, I have learned from my mistakes and have always believed that everything happens for a reason. When I was victorious I would share the same smile as when I was defeated. Now that I am where I am, I appreciate that someone along the way taught me this (that would be Coach Hannula). Because I am blessed with zero regrets in my athletic history.

Coaching athletes day in and day out has made me realize how much being an athlete defines is such an honor that many never tap into or never fully appreciate. Continue to remind yourself the gift you have and aim to be your best!


SSB said...

Sorry you have to deal with this, but glad to hear you're getting better, even if it's just a little at a time. I bet if you weren't an athlete before you probably wouldn't bounce back as quickly (I know it probably doesn't seem quick to you).

h* said...

You, my dear, are one of the most important people in my life. Not just because i look forward to seeing your daily plan for me, but really because you are so incredibly inspirational. Your outlook on life, and the things you cherish most are what we all take for granted. You remind me daily to put my teeth back in (for all those who don't know me, long story), dust myself off, stop feeling sorry for myself, and get back to loving life. I was praying for the treatments to work, and I (as well as the rest of the world that loves you) know in my heart that you will be better than ever soon.
Love you girl, I am so lucky to have you as one of my fav besties.

Beth said...

Oh Teresa! Thank you for posting this - it's just so inspiring to see you NOT giving up or giving in, even when it's been such a frustrating battle. Also a great reminder for us all to appreciate what our bodies are able to do and never take it for granted. I have no doubt that you will be rewarded for your tenacity. Praying that your treatments will work and that you will be able to do what you love so much 100%!!

Jill Costantino said...

You are so inspiring! Keep believing! You will always be an athlete and this may be the most challenging race of your life, so stay in it, stay focused on the moment and keep your eye on the finish, embrace the cheers you get along the way and learn from the more challenging stuff. This is yours to finish!

GoBigGreen said...

Oh T, this is your blog, your life and i am glad you shared this. I dont know you but i support you and know how hard it is to keep feeling like you are getting there, then take a step back. When my husband was in and out of the hospital last year we didnt know what the rest of the year or his life held. We had to deal day to day and for me/us the "master planner" that is Hard.
As Maggs said know that you are going to bounce back but maybe not on on anyone's timeline but your bodie's!
Hang in ther and thanks for reaching out.

Kim said...

T - as you know, our health comes first. training, racing and being the amazing athlete that are you will always be here for you when youre body is better. xoxo

Christi said...

A great post and thanks for sharing. I am putting up the best prayers for you because I know where you want to be and I hope that is how I can help you get there.

LaVonne said...

Hi T -

I think about you a lot. What you are going through is so much more frustrating than what I am, and you are handling it so much better than me! Inspirational. H's comment probably says it all, what all of us are thinking.

You are a wonderful person. Stay positive, remain optimistic, celebrate the small stuff, and take one day at a time.

- LV

Jennifer Harrison said...

TN! Oh goodness. My heart breaks when I read all you go through - but you have such a great attitude and we are all cheering for you! :) I hope things turn around for you soon. Very soon!

Elizabeth A. Rich said...

You really are an inspiration TN!! I don't know how you are feeling and how you are dealing with all this. But I want you to know that my heart is with you and I too hope you reach your dreams!! :)

Kiet said...

TN, simply put...YOU ROCK! I've met you once and already you have a huge impact. Even if you don't get to race this season, you still have a huge impact on the sport and I'm glad that you realized that though the athlete part of you is awesome, the rest of you is even more awesome.

Charisa said...

Hang in there!! Such a great inspiration you are to all of us.

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Hallie said...

this post is pure teresa: from the heart, strong, generous in knowledge, beautiful and inspiring. you're still my fave bad ass athlete. i think it's kind of like a long race where the head knows what to do but the body keeps throwing up roadblocks. at some point your body and mind will be back in amazing, crazy fast unison. until then just know that you've got so many people thinking and sending up prayers for you. xo

Shawn and Tracy said...

Hey T,
I know this is not what you planned for 2011 :-( Thank you for posting and being so honest. You remind me to be thankful and I will race not just for myself this season but for you and your health!